I never knew He loved me – Mariam

By Tony Ayawa

My eyes have seen it all. I can tell the true colors of war, the noise of war, the agonies of war, the constant sorrows and the occasional breaks of laughter. I was nine years - old when the war broke out. Some say it is political, others say it is economical, while some school of taught has it that it is religiously motivated, some affirm it is tribal, whatever descriptions or colorations used all I know is that
I have seen war.

Helter scatter like ants out of ant hills the whole community was scattered in different directions to God knows where, I taught nothing on earth has the potency to break the bond of love that existed in our home and small Africa community but war jealously, fearlessly and callously did.

Till today I have not seen mother, father and my two brothers Bama and Malik and wise old muloku he is gone with his beautiful moon light tales that springs deeply from his saging soul. Since the war broke out to this moment I have lost the beauty of life and love that permeates in my family and community none of my family member have seen me neither have I seen any. 

If you asked me where is the cruelty of war, where is the stink of war? I will tell you its right here in my breast. Oh, war thou demon of human folly, I have seen your merciless wipe, I have seen your graceless scourge. 

Ever since, my life has been empty like an empty can, scattered like the war scenes, cracked like harmatan walls. I can’t bear calling back those beautify promises father used to make about having the best of education, working and making a successful career.

The war came and held us on our jaw and took away the moonlight tales from the play ground, took away the lovers from the street and all those beautiful folklores coming from the trembling lips of the gray hair and heart, all these I loss to the mad madness of war.

Turning to God and looking towards heaven would have been my first and last option but the brutal killing of uncle Tom and daughters right in the church by sword men makes my heart to keep resisting this still small voice ringing in my heart that tells me that my rest lays with the bride of the church. But what am I to do? Why should blood spill right in the holy centre? Still, the gentle calm, constant voice kept telling me “your peace lies with the church’s bride. I shoved this aside and trudged on. 

Like a drifting ballon, my mind trekked away from God and find succor in liquor, drugs and sex and vanity. However, all these could not fill the vacuum of an inner longing for love, peace and life. The pains, the injuries and scares of war could not be wiped off by my vanity fare.

On a drizzling Friday evening-blush while in a top spot bar in its stereos came a charming voice with lyrics unusual “Lord as I see today everything written about you is great” this anointed words formed a choir in my soul that sang with grace and God like an hammer dashing my rocky heart to pieces and like a two edge sword hacking down my chains of sins. heartily I join this train to sing as my heart is free from sin. “Lord as I see today everything written about you is great”  I never knew He loved me, though  I hated him.